A Cheapskate’s Guide to Gambling  

Gambling is almost always a losing endeavor. If you like the rush but want to better your odds, you have to pick the right situations at the right times. Every year casinos make hundreds of billions of US dollars off of addicted gamblers. But if you are vigilant and extremely observant, you can tilt the odds in your favor.

BLACKJACK

Take Blackjack. You don’t have to be a genius card counter from the MIT Blackjack team to beat the house. All you need is perseverance and a little creativity. If the game is not computerized and requires a dealer, human error can come into play – especially if your methods of distraction are on point. Gamble late at night or early in the morning when the dealer is tired. Incessantly talk to the dealer, asking whacky questions or making weird remarks. If you’re a woman, wear revealing clothing. Or, if you’re really ballsy (and you have one), slap your dick out on the table when the dealer is adding up the cards.

EDGE SORTING

Edge sorting can also be used to beat the house. On the back edges of many decks of cards there are small asymmetric irregularities (created when the cards are cut). These irregularities allow astute observers to distinguish cards based on their rotational orientation (a face down card looks different if it is rotated 180 degrees). If you can trick the croupier into rotating some cards but not others, you will be able to identify cards of value. For example, you could ask the dealer to rotate low cards because its “good luck”. If an automatic shuffler is used, the low cards will remain rotated while the high cards will not. When you play for long periods of time, the deck (or decks) will get “sorted”, and you can begin upping your wagers and winning due to your unfair advantage.

CRAPS

Craps is one of the few games that hasn’t yet been computerized. Since you’re the one whose rolling the dice, you have control of your own fate. The trick to bettering your odds is to pinch the dice between your thumb and middle finger with the sevens touching each other in the middle. Gently toss them underhanded with as little rotation as possible, keeping a fluid motion upwards and throwing as soft as you can while still ensuring to hit the back wall. With a lot of practice, you can perfect this technique to put the odds in your favor – but you may lose a fortune before doing so.

ONLINE

Online gambling sites can occasionally present opportunities to those omni-scheming few who are constantly on the prowl. To get people hooked, they sometimes offer promotional deals. In one such incident, the Canadian website Play Now had a promotional deal whereby, for a limited time, they would give give you $100 if you deposited and wagered at least $100. People soon discovered that you could play the game baccarat and bet $50 on both yourself and the banker. No matter what happened, you would get your $100 back plus the matched $100 — minus a small transaction fee.